Edges Meet

Soon to move from this spot

this dot of yellow from the air

an ordinary home for you outside

a capsule of potential for me, in here.

*

Must wake earlier, to fit more in

sleeping late is not usual though these days

my back is cramped, feels to the bed pinned

maybe walking helped of just relaxed

perhaps tension keeps me pained.

*

Missing you, your gently heart

quiet, noisy touching self

you encompass my inner world

your fingers reach down deeper go.

*

I am made for you as you fit me

as time passes our edges meet

you allow me to be free

 while I awake you from a sleep.

*

Soon to move, shoes on, door locked

little cat, warm, curled inside

soon to return and rest again

thinking of your touch, your eyes.

*

May 22, 2013.

Towards you

one more light-seen breakfast

one more mid-day lunch

excited by the pre-dawn feast

planning evening treats to munch

*

one more day of normal feeling

one more energy-filled afternoon

dreading that spacey, hungry dealing

sunset never comes too soon.

*

19 days of passionate yearning

not for food or drink, though missed

19 days of sun-rise clinging

to the hem of the robe I’ve kissed

*

19 days of overcoming passions

letting my attention rest on higher things

19 days of light-filled focus

and 19 tired, full, peaceful evenings.

*

to me, the Fast is a daily struggle

steeling mind and letting go

small part of a world-wide spiritual offering

yet my own judge, my own strength, my own hope.

*

One-by-one, each 12 hour question,

learning to breathe in transformed places

as I walk, well stumble slowly onwards,

challenged by but loving these 19 paces.

*

Fleur Missaghian, March 1st 2013

A Stronger Core

 

Dancing, like speaking the truth

is hard to do

when you don’t have a leg to stand on.

Speaking the truth, like dancing

is easy to do

when your’e not afraid of my response.

Stand and dance with me

Take my hand and be honest

It’s only difficult if you are afraid

and harbour an insecure child

in your heart

One who would rather hide behind a lie

than face an uncomfortable look,

a silence of reproach

One who would rather sit still and watch

as friends Tango and twirl

because changing direction

takes a stronger core.

Stand, speak, dance and we’ll move

forward into the flow together.

Dec. 16th 2012. Fleur Missaghian

Die flies Die

I know you are all God’s creatures

and that if you didn’t exist or were all wiped out

the world would be overcome with rotten food and stinky poo.

I am sure the spiders need you (but why are they so lazy in my house?)

and birds and frogs and other things with long sticky tongues

that I don’t know the names of, chameleons? In Wales?

On the lowest level of the food chain,

I suppose I should be grateful for your continued presence

and be happy even, as you buzz about my head

and disturb my slumber

and land on my dinner or in my tea (really! This happened last night!)

and fly past my ear, noisily, almost causing me to spill my hot soup

all over the floor or all over me.

I need to register that you are needed and just move on.

If you stayed on the wall, I’d be happy.

If you lingered on the window, I’d leave you be.

If you flew into my kitchen, had a circular low flying gander then flew out again

I could live with that and see you as part of the world of nature around me.

But you don’t.

You annoy me constantly and therefore

I will continue to hunt you down

and waste you with my super-fast fly swat

or my rolled up wet tea towel if the swat is temporarily employed

in another part of the house to discipline (and here I mean kill) your family and friends.

It’s sad I know, I am a fly murderer….

Yet I accept this fate

and move on through my life

without regret,

getting revenge taken out on me by your evil cousin the wasp

who stings me, cleverly, every year

when I’m not looking or even aware of it being there.

Yet I am always aware of you

and I hope you know

that I am glad in winter when you are all asleep

or hibernating

or bugging other people in other places.

Come into my home

and I will kill you,

plain and simple.

Unless you fly out of the door or window I invite you through.

Sorry,

but that’s just how it is dudes.

Die

Flies

Die.

Different Countries (lyrics) – Dealing with my hubby’s MS

…

We’re travelling through different countries

I am constantly holding your hand

every day is a new sight to behold

but I am frightened in this land

…

Other people travel with us

as it’s harder to walk alone

I do not know where to go from here

Sometimes the path is too damn cold

…

I will stay with you forever, forever and a day

but there’s one thing that I need to know

is this your resting place forever, forever and a day

or do you want to touch the snow?

…

I can feel your pace quicken

your hand is stronger in my grasp

I hope to see you soar upward someday

and take me far beyond our past.

…

I will stay with you forever, forever and a day

but there’s one thing that I need to know

is this your resting place forever, forever and a day

or do you want to touch the snow? (the snowflakes on your face)

do you want to feel the water (the water on your toes)

or do you want to feel the sun (the sun on your soul)

or do you want to touch the snow? (the snowflakes on your face)

or do you want to feel the sun (the sun on your soul)

…

Hear me,

are you still breathing?

Feel me,

is your heart still beating?

See me,

 running, jumping, stealing time

while you fall slowly behind.

…

I will be with you forever

I will walk with you forever

I will stay with you forever

Fleur Missaghian (recording by Fleur Missaghian and Richard Leigh) – For Ramin, of course.

 

Some other lyrics, that didn’t make the grade as I didn’t know if I could sing them without weeping (!) were:

Sometimes I wake to the morning’s bright light

in hope you’ll be as you were before

I won’t have to deal with the stranger in my loved one

won’t have to be strong anymore

… and …

Other people travel with us

taking care of both you and I

every prayer and thought of love is needed

so that I don’t fall to my knees and cry.

So this song was written when I needed to express my frustration with theseeming lack of forward motion with my hubby’s progress. Having a partner with MS does mean that both you and him/her need to exercise mucho patience and mucho communication (in short bursts – otherwise he feels like his head is melting) to make sure you are both on the same page. But sometimes just saying; ‘This is too slow!’ or ’IS this what our life will be like forever?!’ and  ’I feel I can’t cope with this and I need to explain why!’  through poetry or (for me in particular) a song, is a good way of dealing with emotions and head weirdness, rather than breaking down emotionally or – even worse – deciding to separate from your loved one. Neither of us asked for MS to enter our lives, he can’t help sufferring from symptoms and I can’t help finding it all really hard, but we can work together to deal with the problems, taking each day one-day-at-a-time and remembering we love each other, even when it’s really hard.

So this song is expressing these feelings and I am glad to report life has moved on since then. Ramin hearing me sing this song moved him very much (although he never really got why I wanted him to feel the water on his toes…) and also let him see – in his heart and mind – that he must keep moving forward and not give in to the ease of seeing himself as someone who other people always need to look after. He is a survivor of this terrible debilitating condition, and I am so grateful for this experience as it has taught us both that love exists beyond the physical, beyond the hear and now – and is an eternal connection that will last forever, if you keep working together and just let love be.

Pushing Down Water (rap/poem)

Pushing Down Water

Sometimes it feels that all I do is a joke
That nothing can dissipate the darkness, the smoke
Of the illusion that we are all wrapped up in
the belief that money and material things
can bring happiness and contentment, a feeling of self-worth
when we all know it’s only love that reigns true on this earth.

Yet I know when I assist the truth to be seen
And stand up for others who are down on their knees
And keep going with a smile and a helping hand
Speaking up, for example, for Baha’is in Iran
That I’m doing more than pulling desperate people out
Of the swamp of lust, addiction and desire
I’m draining this polluted land – reaching into the core
Solutions found when we together step higher,
Than the every day, mundane and experienced.

Help from God comes to those who beseech
And ask to be strengthened and spiritually assisted
Like Abdu’lbaha, who with a perfect soul was gifted.
Are the small things I do really worth all that much?
Can I help change the world with my gentle touch?
How can what I do here affect those over there
Help to tear off the shackles of hatred and fear?

It’s the most simple thing yet most complicated
That we are one people and must work to be united
That every little thing has an effect as we call
On ourselves to be true and our friends to stand together
Braving the lack of understanding and the scornful laughter
Knowing we are protected and blessed for our strivings
Letting go of attachment to worldly desiring.

As a Baha’i I am trying to build a new world,
Where people live in harmony and religions are one
With us turning to God, our heavenly Father
As He who is single, unknown and alone,
Who is All loving, All merciful and Always there
Whether we see Him or not in our hearts or our actions
His love binds us and creates eternal reactions.

Waves of feeling, ripples of light emanating from our hands
As we do what we can to bring a stop to injustice,
And begin to consult about best ways forward
Economic problems solved by spiritual solutions
Political apathy cleared by united forward action
Yet a word without action is as a question without answer
And an unanswered question brings ignorance and distraction
From the true reality of the divine in our hearts
Which can only live when we see what we are:
Spiritual beings, experiencing the human
Strengthening our powers as we face life’s tests
Destined to exist through worlds upon worlds
A family living in one world, truly blest.

This is your chance people, this is your time
Don’t stand by and watch a repeat of the crime
The Jews suffered before and Baha’is suffer now
Didn’t we say this would never happen again?
That the horrors of the past in that time would remain?
It’s the twenty first century and still leaders try
By removing education, telling unbelievable lies.
I am Welsh but I stand up for my friends in Iran
Who believe in Baha’u’llah and do all that they can
To adhere to the laws of this inhumane system
Families ripped apart, exhaustive interrogation
Elderly people imprisoned for 20 years straight
With no fair trial, no voice, no justice, their fate
Being determined by those who have not learned from the past
That when you push water down it flows up twice as fast.

We will pass this world on to our precious children
We will give them the gift of all done and not done
do you want to bequeath prejudice and fear
Wrapped up in the bling bling of empty desire?

So, okay what do we do – I hear you cry
What action can we take when we’ve got busy lives?
I can’t go to that place and demand them to free
the Baha’is and other groups who work for world peace.
I’ve a job to go to or an exam to study for,
I’ve kids to encourage and my own dreams to pursue
I need to keep the taxman from the door
To find my true love, to my own life be true.

Well if you from reading this poem feel inspired
Create your own art and raise the question up higher!
Tell your friends what is happening to young and old in Iran
Discuss and reflect, create your own plan.
Use the resources at hand, go online and get informed
Look up ‘The Muslim Network for Baha’i Rights’ and iranpresswatch.org.
Write a letter or an email to the United Nations,
Tell your government to do something, let them feel your frustrations
Tell them your thoughts on the right to university education
See with your own eyes, your world vision strengthened.

I have friends the world over who feel just as strong
That what is happening in Iran is undeniably wrong.
Where ever we come from, whatever our faith
We must stand up against prejudice in every place
We must give a voice to the voiceless and be twice as loud
Only then can we of ourselves feel proud
To be human, to be blessed with intelligence and spirit,
Do what is right for the world and those who live in it.

Fleur Talieh Missaghian – 06/09/2011

All you possess (poem)

Process your thoughts

make a decision

it’s your life

whatever their opinion.

It’s all up to you – wherever you go

you breathe your own air – and melt your own snow.

You flame and fire and light and soar

soul-changing, life-moving, body-feeling, head-clearing

actions, reactions, responses, ideas

learning from processes, procedures and kindreds.

Open yourself up the forces above and all around

don’t close your eyes to the light,

however blinding

don’t close your ears to the sound,

however deafening.

The goal’s not behind you – it’s only out of your perspective

or hidden

until your own volition has moved into action

and brought forth all you possess

as you undress

the masks

and rip off the chains

from the past.

(Another poem from August 2006. Dealing with my inner world in this one,  giving my concious mind grief as I struggled to find myself again through the clouds of my husband’s illness and my own self-worth. Not sure about the ‘melt your own snow’ line – but I’m going to be true to the Fleur of 2006 and keep it in, as maybe it meant something to her at the time. This poem also tries to make me connect to and make a reality in my life the beautiful words of Baha’u'llah, “All that which ye potentially possess can, however, be manifested only as a result of your own volition. Your own acts testify to this truth.” )

No respite (poem)

Easier to deal with problems known

understood and replicated,

harder to hold the unpredictable

the memory of normality devastated.

If you were me

would you break down and cry

or hold your head up

singing “I ‘aint going down.”?

Stepping away gives a sense of peace

a string of moments free

but chained

to the knowledge of release

being more than he can ever have.

I can walk away,

step onto a plane and fly above clouds

taking me to ability, creativity

and British hospitality.

He stays imprisoned in his weakness

waiting for strength to resume past

the numbness

and tip over ‘oh -there-goes-your-head’ balance

as he learns to walk, and talk, and think

and be himself again.

Each relapse a drag back.

Feeling and power that takes months if not years to regain,

yet he holds his head up

and sings, in his broken voice

“O God, guide me, protect me,

illumine the lamp of my heart

and make me a brilliant star’ “

…

(I wrote this in Cologne (Germany) airport on the 19th December, 2003. In this year Ramin suffered eleven relapses, almost one a month for a year, and had lost all ability to move, eat, wash or do anything without assistance. he couldn’t speak clearly, his memory was very temperamental – but his spirit was strong. Alongside the hospital staff and his parents, I cared for him (and with the assistance of wonderful friends of course – both in Germany and in the UK) and tried to have regular respite for myself by flying back to the UK, to pray and consult with my parents for a few weeks during the year -  to not lose myself in the world of MS that had become our lives. I felt very guilty about being able to walk away when he lived every moment with a destroyed body and a weakened mind.

I remember taking him down once, in his wheelchair, to the small chapel that was on the hospital grounds. I waited until we were alone (as I didn’t want to disturb other people praying for their loved ones or needing some peace), and then sang as many Baha’i prayers as I could remember. Suddenly Ramin joined in singing ‘O God guide me, protect me, illumine the lamp of my heart and make me a brilliant star’, (a prayer from Abd’u'l-Baha) his voice cracked, his sound trembling and my heart broke. It became a lovely routine, singing in the chapel together and we both remember that time with great fondness. I remember us both bursting into tears and then continuing to sing – because that’s what we did through that time, we just kept going.  FTM)

 

Rock-Solid (poem)

 

Are you in the creative flow?

Do you have the power to let some melodies go?

Are you open to the heart and the searing cold?

Pain and joy in equal measures to behold?

…

Do you want to be brave and shine,

Beyond cool, hip, funky, reason or rhyme

Just being you in all your divine

Where I’m not yours and you’re not mine?

…

Me and you in our separate histories

Coming together for brief de ja vu’s

Where sometimes the point means more for me

And often it’s unclear what it feels like for you

…

I dream of a happy future for us

Where on meeting we feel peace and calm

Our different colours blending and turning

Into memories of golden charm

…

Recently it all went hay-wire

Conversations of stand-points exploded

I reacted, you retreated, both of us defeated

Isolated, red-hot frustrated, emotions overloaded.

…

We’ll get through this I am sure

We’ll live without keeping an eye on the proverbial door

It’s the hardest thing to stay together

When you’ve no map or feel for the future

…

Physical beauty is glitter for the eyes

But it doesn’t compare to the solid truth

To the everlasting shine going on inside

And the love that we feel is the rock-solid proof.

(Written August 2006 – after visiting Ramin in his second long-stay at a rehabilitation clinic, where he recieved physio and other supportive care for his MS. Ramin and I spent many months apart while he was in ‘Rehab’, trying to figure out what lay ahead for us as Ramin’s MS was very severe and we had no idea if he would be disabled for life. )

 

A Deed

Facing one’s self is a deed

as long-reaching as planting a tree;

Reflections create roots

burying into the soul

travel arterial highways

embedding in the ground

from which we emerge

the same being

visibly

until the green shoot of a new idea

bravely makes itself known,

born from the trials

of navigating the deep,

strong from a foundation

of intertwined ponderings

hopeful in it’s reaching to the sun

as the reflection changes

transformed from what was

to who is now

and who one wants to be.

…..

Fleur Talieh Missaghian

24.06.2011 (in Chengdu… For Ben Lockwood)

…..(Image from Stock Vault. Photographer: Berdnik Oleksander)